The Halloween is 10 days away, so let me give you 10 Halloween costume tips. I will.
10. If you like to walk the fine line of decency, might I suggest going as "angel" Nick Adenhart. It's easy, just wear his baseball uniform and put an ACTUAL halo above your head. You may not get the reaction you're hoping for, since Adenhart's death isn't that big of a story...especially if they keep losing.
9. Jon & Kate Plus 8 will be a HIGH-LARIOUS treat for couples that have no creativity. Why not make it a little different and go as Jon & Kate Plus 9. When party-goers come up to you and say "You're only supposed to have 8 kids!" quickly reply with "Oh, you haven't heard?". Casually stroll away soon after that.
8. Don't try putting candy corn in the microwave to see if it'll pop like popcorn. It never works. There's always some kernels left over.
7. One style that will probably never come back is "blackface" - but be daring and try it. The gasps of people you walk by will be utterly rewarding. But remember this three-word phrase should you encounter ANY minority at the bars that night: I'M A COALMINER.
6. Use a condom.
5. Dress up as your favorite character from Friends!
4. You will no doubt run into lots of people dressed up as Michael Jackson - both the dead version and the alive version. Make a really big deal out of that person's costume. Follow them around the party laughing and being very boistrous. Show them how much you APPRECIATE their fresh take on humor. Do this all night.
3. Be Steve Bartman. Topical humor always kills them 6 years later.
2. Speaking of topical humor, the recent "balloon boy" hoax in Colorado opened the proverbial Halloween costume floodgates. Folks who didn't have an idea a week ago are now trying to make a giant inflatable backpack made from aluminum foil and call themselves Falcon. Do better than that. Don't be "balloon boy". Be "boy balloon". Find a red-latex bodysuit to be the "balloon", and make sure everyone sees some large male genitals underneath that bodysuit. There you have it, "boy balloon".
1. Don't copy me. I'm going as Spader, circa 1988. Cause I'm fucking fantastic.
